And Death, yet again, entered and broke me

 I just joined my 2 sisters and a sister-in-law in a video call where we saw Papa, with laboured breathing, and fighting for life.

IT IS SO PAINFUL. Having seen my husband through his last hours -- how he was intubated, resuscitated, among others, it is just so painful to see my father, the first man that I loved, just lying there helpless, with cold feet and blood pressure fluctuating at 70/50. I am no medical professional but I know those signs.  Death is at the doorstep.

Papa will be 88 years old on December 30, 2020. He is one tough guy who has gone through a lot in his life. But hearing Cristie now say that if brought to the hospital, he will definitely be intubated, with needles stuck to his hand. If they don't find a good vein to run the medicines, his skin will be ripped open.

And to top it all, if he does manage to hold on to dear life, he will likely be a vegetable as his brain, damaged by a clot from an earlier stroke.......(my brother and sisters just called).

My brother just called 5 minutes ago.

Papa had opened his eyes and took a deep breath and left at 6:35pm today.

My heart is in pieces. I am broken anew. 

So hard to get it all together after having lost my husband barely 6 months ago. Dazed really right now but I struggle to put the feeling into this blog to pour what is left of my shaken soul.

I do not question why this happened. We sort of expected it to a certain extent, but still pain is pain is pain. There is that hole in my heart that will remain open for my parents and it so hard not to hug Papa now or comfort Mama now.

I had been planning to take a short trip to Butuan but the pandemic changed so many plans.

But Death... it does not change plans-- it strikes and gets anyone at the appointed time. Even Jesus bowed to death for a while, but then again, as we hold on to faith, we also wait to live anew-- in another place, in another time, and hopefully still with the ones we love.

Papa had always been a fighter, but this is one fight when he has to say, "Pildi man."  And move on, with the angels and think of another way to bounce back.

I miss you so much, Pa. And I will do so until the day we meet again.  Daghang salamat sa tanan.